falling apart.

Summer 2007, I can honestly say was the worst time in my life. I wouldn't wish what I to go through on anyone. Finding out the your younger brother is addicted to heroin, right after you get home from a beautiful summer wedding kind of sets the mood for the summer even if it was only the middle of June. The rest of the summer is blur to this day. I remember switching shifts with my older sister, we stayed up all night to babysit him while he detoxed. If you have never been around someone detoxing .. its horrible for anyone involved. The person detxoing is going through the worst physical and mental pain one can experience. Their body is yearning.. begging.. pleading for the drug. Some actually die from detox alone. My sister and I had never through anything like this in our whole entire lives. We tried to comfort him in whatever way that we could. Turning on the heat and then off the heat, turning on the fan and putting it right up against his body because he was sweating so bad. Trying to get him to calm down and lie back down when he awake with rage and try to leave the house. We knew why he wanted to leave, he needed more drugs. Listening to his cries for help, his screams of pain and seeing his tears. Watching. Waiting. Praying. Rubbing his back and holding back the tears because you could feel all the bones in his body. Why hadn't we seen this sooner? I went through a lot of depression. Probably gained a lot of weight. My family broke up because no one could agree on the way we should be treating Dan. When my brother left for rehab we all had such high hopes, some realistic, but most unrealistic. Addicts are just that addicts. They relapse its part of the process. So when my brother relapsed, sure I was upset and pissed and upset some more. But I think I knew in the back of my mind that it would get better, or at least I hoped it would. Thats just the thing about dealing with addicts.. no one really knows what to do. Its all grey area and it sucks. I feel like we have come a long way today, sure there are still concerns and sure I probably try to hold on to him more than I should. But what people dont understand is that I have never felt closer to two human beings in my life as I do with my brother and sister...and thats what keeps me going everyday. I love my brother dearly.. with all of my heart and soul. I cry when he cries.. I laugh when he laughs.. I celebrate his success..I am sad over his failures..but today.. I just look at my brother and smile.. He's come a long way.. He's got a long way to go.. and every step that he takes.. I will be right behind him..with one of those large foam fingers.. cheering him all the way.

xoxo.